And what if my best isn't good enough

I watched Grey's last night because... well because I always watch Grey's on Thursday night. I must admit I was quite annoyed with the afterlife scene's and I was ready for Meredith to just wake up already but something that she said struck me deep enough to keep me up most of the night. Denny asks Meredith what happened in the water, why she didn't fight. Meredith exhausted from fighting it finally admits that she did fight but that it just got too hard and she had to let go. At that moment (although I was still annoyed with the afterlife drama) I totally connected to what she was feeling and it brought me back to feelings I haven't had in so long.

Tossing and turning with these thoughts all night I wondered why I was so bothered. I guess a large part of me remembers what it feels like to wake up in the morning and hope that you would be fortunate enough to get hit by a car so that just for a few days your brain could be silenced, that someone else would have to take care of things and that you might be lucky enough to just be. I remember what it's like to feel like the walls are closing in and suddenly need to escape a room even though nothing happened. To feel so incredibly overwhelmed that you can see nothing but what's right in front of your eyes because to look left, right or ahead would cause you to drown. I know, I've been there, I've lived it.

I remember the night I disappeared in Paris. I just needed to walk, to get away, I wasn't trying to scare anyone but I needed to go. So I walked and walked and walked, I remember the look on his face when I came back, he'd gone almost pale white and I remember wanting to feel bad but not being able to, not understanding what the worry was about. I remember the night where I'd come to the point where there was no way out. I felt trapped and out of options and I needed it all to stop. I wanted the pain to stop. But I remember not being able to go through with it because someone had spent weeks and months telling me that there was more, that I could make it, that there was a light and I just had to be brave and hang on.-- I remember hanging on.

And now I'm here, and I don't feel that pain anymore and I smile out of joy not out of force and I don't think about getting hit by a car and I don't worry about not waking up in the morning and truthfully I don't even wish for it.

But then I get scared. I get scared because here I am and I wonder how I got here and I wonder if I'll slip back. I wonder if I rely on him to much. What if decides to give up? What then? What if my best isn't good enough?